SOME time after our top salesman, a man by the name of Holme, handed in his resignation, he asked me if I had anyone in mind for his job. I told him I had decided on a young woman named House. At this he quipped, "Do you really think you can replace a Holme with just a House?"

WHEN the last of their three children was about to leave home, my parents decided to buy a smaller house. The real-estate sign went up. A week later, a second "For Sale" sign appeared two doors away. "Soon you'll have new families on either side of you," my mother remarked to the neighbour whose house was in the middle.  "We're thinking of putting up our own sign," she replied wistfully. "It would read: 'Was it something we said?' "

OWNER to a house hunter: "Yes, the kitchen is a bit small, but with a mortgage like this you won't do much cooking anyway."

WHEN A real-estate agency hadn't sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves. I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a "For Sale" message on a sign board and posted it outside.

When my husband came home that evening, he told me, laughing, that my sign was the most truthful one he had ever seen. Confused, I rushed outside to take a look. In my haste I had printed - "For Sale by Ower."

THE dance we were going to was formal.  Elegantly dressed, I headed downstairs, picking up in passing a wastebasket that needed to be emptied and a mop that had to be put away.  The door bell rang. I answered it, still clutching mop and wastebasket.  The young man gave me a startled look.  "My wife and I were interested in buying a home in this neighbourhood," he began, "but if this is the way everyone dresses to clean house, I'm not sure we want to live here."

WHEN we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning.  I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.  I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was made perfectly each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret he was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

A FEW years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thorough fare. Our Real Estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale.  We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.  One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know.   Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question.  But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.  "Now we're getting somewhere," he said.  "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."  Debbie looked him straight in the eye before blurting out, "We have monsters in our sewer."

MY FRIEND Marilyn, a real-estate agent, had difficulty getting a listing from a customer whose theory was that "there is no substitute for experience." After he asked her a third time how many years she had been in the business, she told him: "Sir, there is a little-known historical fact that Moses brought three tablets down from the mountain-two were the Ten Commandments and the other was my real-estate license!" She got the listing.

As PROPERTY manager of single-family residences, I was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions: "Professionally employed?" "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Yes, nine and twelve," she told me proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

DURING my first year in mortgage banking, I chose follow-up as my prime objective and made sure my clients knew it. On one case, a joint-venture construction loan that had required hours of preparation, I was eager to advise my client that I had finally received a letter of intent. I called his office only to be told that he had left for the day. Frustrated, I relaxed by sailboarding in the harbor near my home. As I sailed along on I noticed a large powerboat cruising nearby and was astonished to discover that the man at the helm was my client. I tacked close to the cruiser, and waved. Incredulous, he waved back and slowed the boat. "Just wanted to let you know I've received a letter of intent," I called out. The deal was sealed soon afterward. Attached to the client's agreement was this postscript: "When you say you follow up on a deal, you really mean it!"